


New Rules

by Persephone Rose (Likemycoffee)



Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-11
Updated: 2020-01-15
Packaged: 2021-02-27 12:13:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 5,176
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22216843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Likemycoffee/pseuds/Persephone%20Rose
Summary: Callum trying (and failing) to get over Ben
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Comments: 8
Kudos: 120





	1. 1. Don’t pick up the phone. You know he’s only calling because he’s drunk and alone.

Stuart and Rainie had gone to the Vic, which meant Callum had the flat to himself for once. Stuart had tried to persuade him to join them, but the thought of spending the evening playing gooseberry with the two of them making eyes at each other was not appealing. 

He’d briefly thought about texting Simon and asking if he wanted to come round and watch a film, but then he considered that Simon might, given the date they’d been on, read more into such an invitation than Callum was ready for. He wasn’t looking to “Netflix and Chill” with anyone right now and if he was being honest, he wasn’t in the mood for putting a front on and pretending to be sociable around other people, so that was how he found himself dressed in his comfortable, old pyjamas, wrapped in a blanket, watching Thor Ragnarok. 

Callum was trying to concentrate on the film. The Thor films could normally distract him from anything, especially now he was comfortable acknowledging that the reasons Chris Hemsworth and Tom Hiddleston were drawing his attention wasn’t just because of the acting, but that evening he was distracted because his phone kept beeping with text messages from Ben. 

‘How are you?’

‘How was your date?’

‘Was he a nice guy? You deserve a nice guy.’

Callum ignored the messages. He’d laid it all out on the table for Ben and had it thrown back in his face. It hurt more than Callum had ever imagined that it could. Time away had helped, but as soon as he’d seen Ben again, he was back at square one. Talking to Ben hadn’t helped so now he was trying to ignore him. He’d taken Stuart and Rainie’s advice. He was trying to move on. He wasn’t going to do that by responding to Ben’s text messages. 

‘Did you sleep with him?’

‘Sorry not my business’

‘Please tell me you haven’t slept with him’

‘Fuck I miss you Cal.’

‘Sorry I know I shouldn’t say that.’

Callum sighed and picked up the handset. He hated himself for the way his heart jumped at Ben’s words. He wanted him to mean it. He missed Ben so much but he knew Ben too well and he just had a feeling...

‘Are you drunk?’ he typed a reply. 

He was waiting for a response but instead of a text message his phone started ringing. Of course it was Ben. 

Callum stared at his name on the phone screen. He knew he shouldn’t answer. He shouldn’t engage with Ben at all. Callum knew if he had any sense he’d block Ben’s number and cut off all contact. People were always telling Callum he had no sense. Maybe they were right. He answered the call. 

‘Hello?’ 

‘Hi...’

‘What do you want, Ben?’

‘Just... wanted to talk.’ He was slurring his words slightly. Callum sighed to himself. He hated being right. 

‘You’re drunk, Ben.’

‘No point being sober anymore is there?’

‘Why are you calling me?’

‘Wanted to hear your voice.’

‘Ben...’

‘Sorry. I shouldn’t have called. Hope I’m not disturbing you and what’s his name?’

‘You’re not,’ Callum replied. ‘I’m at home by myself.’ He didn’t think about why he felt the need to make sure Ben understood that. 

‘Oh... alright then.’ Did Ben sound relieved or was he imagining it?

‘Where are you?’

‘My Dad’s place.’

Callum sighed. 

‘It’s not a good idea to be drinking alone, Ben.’

‘Come over if you want,’ Ben said. ‘Drink with me.’

‘That’s not a good idea is it?’

‘Probably not.’

‘Are you alright?’ Callum asked. 

‘I miss you,’ Ben said quietly. 

‘Don’t do this, Ben.’

‘I do though.’

‘You’re drunk.’

‘I know.’

‘You won’t mean this when you’re sober.’

Callum heard Ben take a breath, and then a noise that sounded almost like a sob. 

‘Ben what’s wrong? I know something’s going on with you. Why won’t you just talk to me?’

‘I can’t.’

‘You can tell me anything.’

‘You’ll hate me.’

‘I could never hate you.’

‘You should,’ Ben said after a pause. ‘You should. I deserve it.’

‘Why?’ Callum asked. ‘What have you done?’

Ben was silent for a long time. Callum almost thought he’d hung up, but then he spoke again. ‘Nothing. Just ignore me. It’s like you said, I’m drunk.’

‘Right,’ Callum sighed again. ‘Of course.’

‘Just... I’m sorry Cal. I do want you to be happy.’

Just not with you. Callum thought you himself. 

‘Listen Ben...’

‘Look, I should go,’ Ben cut him off. Callum wasn’t sure exactly what he was going to say anyway. 

‘Alright,’ he replied. ‘Take care of yourself, alright?’

‘Yeah,’ Ben said. ‘See you, Cal.’

The phone went dead and Callum sat in silence, just staring at the phone screen. Fuck. Why did he keep letting Ben do this to him? He rubbed a hand over his face and then, opened his text thread with Ben and typed a new message. 

‘I haven’t slept with him.’

He pressed send before he could think too much about it; got the notification that it had been read almost immediately but Ben didn’t reply.


	2. 2. Don’t let him in. You’ll have to kick him out again.

Callum woke up with a start, unsure as to what had disturbed him. A glance at his phone told him it was 1:07 in the morning. Then he heard the door buzzer going off and he realised that that must have been what had woken him.

‘For fucks sake,’ he muttered as he climbed out of bed and walked through the dark flat towards the intercom, narrowly avoiding stubbing his toe on the corner of the coffee table. 

‘Who’s that at this time of night?’ Stuart said, coming out of his bedroom, the light from the door, dimly illuminating the rest of the flat. 

‘No idea,’ Callum grumbled. ‘Hello?’ he said blearily into the intercom. 

‘It’s me, Cal.’ Ben’s voice was a shock to the system, like a bucket of water had been thrown over him. Callum instantly, felt wide awake. 

‘Is that Ben Mitchell?’ Stuart growled, angrily. ‘I thought you were done with him?’

‘I am,’ Callum replied. 

‘What the fuck is he doing here then?’

‘I don’t know, do I?’

‘Cal?’ Ben’s voice again through the intercom. ‘Can I come in? Please?’

Callum knew he shouldn’t. It was a bad idea. Letting Ben into his flat, especially at this time of night was a recipe for disaster and it was clear that Stuart thought so too, but this was Ben... How could Callum turn him away? 

‘Yeah. Come up,’ he said, looking around at Stuart and shrugging his shoulders as he buzzed Ben inside. 

‘Oh for Christ sake,’ Stuart said, rolling his eyes. ‘Well, it’s your funeral.’ He turned around and went back into his bedroom, closing the door behind him.

When Callum opened the front door, he was struck by how terrible he looked. It had been a few days since Callum had seen him around the square and he looked like he hadn’t shaved for a couple of days at least and he looked like he hadn’t slept in several more. 

‘You look like shit,’ Callum told him honestly. 

‘Thanks,’ Ben replied and then he looked at Callum more closely. ‘Sorry,’ he said. ‘Did I wake you?’

‘It’s one in the morning,’ Callum said. 

‘Is it?’ Ben frowned. ‘I didn’t... my phone died. I lost track of time.’

‘Has something happened?’ Callum led Ben over to sit on the sofa. Callum sat beside him, closer than he’d intended, their thighs were touching but Callum couldn’t bring himself to move away. 

Ben shrugged. ‘I’ve been walking around... I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come here. I didn’t know where else to go. I don’t know what to do anymore.’

‘You couldn’t go home?’

Ben looked at Callum and Callum could see the exhaustion in his eyes. 

‘Don’t really have a home anymore,’ Ben replied. ‘Sharon’s still living at Ian’s and my Dad... well I don’t really want to be there either.’

‘Where’ve you been staying then?’ 

‘Here and there,’ Ben replied. ‘The car lot if I haven’t got somewhere better.’

Callum refused to think about what ‘somewhere better’ might mean. Instead he focused his attention on the real problem. 

‘Please Ben,’ he said, earnestly. ‘Whatever it is, something’s clearly eating you up inside. Will you just let me help?’

‘There’s nothing you can do,’ Ben replied. ‘It’s my fault. It’s all my fault.’

He closed his eyes and Callum couldn’t help himself, he instinctively reached out and took his hand. 

‘Nothing can be that bad, surely?’

‘Keanu Taylor’s dead.’

Callum froze, he looked up to see Ben watching him with a guarded expression.

‘What do you mean?’

‘I mean he’s dead, Cal.’

‘But... how? When?...’ and then the pieces started to come together in his mind. ‘What have you done?’ he asked. 

Ben brought his hands up to cover his face; shook his head. 

‘Tell me, Ben,’ Callum said more firmly. ‘Just tell me. It can’t be worse than what I’m imagining.’

Ben let out a long sigh. ‘When my Dad found out about Sharon’s baby not being his...’ Ben began. ‘He was... obviously he was devastated; furious... He was going to start drinking again... I had to pull the whiskey bottle out of his hand and tip it down the sink... he was going to kill himself, Cal.’

Callum didn’t dare speak. He just sat still and let Ben keep talking. 

‘The only way I could think to help him was... I told him that I’d find out who the father was... make them pay... and then we found out it was Keanu.’

Callum gasped. Ben looked down at his hands - Callum’s hand still holding his own. 

‘I told Dad I’d sort it... that he’d be dead before Christmas was over...’

‘You killed him?’ Callum could hardly speak. The words stuck in his throat. He still hadn’t moved away from Ben. 

‘I arranged it,’ Ben said. ‘I hired someone - he’s dead because of me.’

Callum just stared. Of all the things he’d been imagining these past few weeks, ever since Ben broke it off with him... this was something he’d never even considered. 

‘I told you you’d hate me,’ Ben said quietly. 

‘I don’t hate you,’ Callum frowned. ‘I wish you’d told me what was going on, but I don’t hate you.’

‘I hate myself,’ Ben admitted and then after a pause. ‘You couldn’t have done anything.’

‘You don’t know that.’

‘I needed to know you were safe, Cal. I needed to keep you out of it.’

‘So why tell me now?’ 

Ben was quiet for a moment before he answered. ‘Because I don’t have anyone else.’

Callum gave Ben’s hand a squeeze. ‘You’ve got me.’

‘Are you going to tell the police?’ Ben asked. 

Callum knew that was exactly what he should do. A man was dead; a man that Ben had arranged to have murdered. Callum should be calling the police right now and running for the hills. But it was Ben... the thought of Ben going to prison; of not being able to see him, touch him, talk to him... there was no choice to be made. 

‘No.’

Ben let out a sigh and closed his eyes. ‘Thank you.’

Callum swallowed hard. Everything had changed now. He knew the truth and Ben was so close to him, he could just lean in and... but no. Nothing had changed. Ben was still the man who’d broken his heart, even if now he understood the reasons why. 

‘It’s late,’ Ben said. ‘I should go.’

Callum should agree. He should say goodbye and go back to bed but it was Ben... and if Callum kicked him out now he was going to end up sleeping in the car lot or finding someone else’s bed to share for the night. The thought of that made Callum feel sick. 

‘You can stay if you want.’

‘Really?’ Ben said, sounding unsure. 

‘Just to sleep,’ Callum replied. ‘When did you last sleep properly?’

‘I don’t know,’ Ben admitted. ‘Before Christmas, probably.’

‘Come on,’ Callum said, standing up and holding out his hand to Ben, who took it and followed him into the bedroom. 

Callum found him out a spare t-shirt to sleep in and Ben went into the bathroom to get changed. Callum took some deep breaths, trying to keep calm. Nothing was going to happen. They both needed to sleep and Ben couldn’t be alone right now, that was all. It didn’t mean anything. 

Ben slid into bed beside Callum, dressed in his t-shirt and boxers. They were careful not to touch each other. It didn’t mean anything. In the morning, Callum would kick him out and maybe Ben would go back to ignoring him; maybe not. But for tonight, Callum could close his eyes and pretend that everything was the way it was supposed to be again and if, in the night, while they were both asleep, they ended up cuddling like they used to, then that didn’t mean anything either.


	3. 3. Don’t be his friend. You know you’re going to wake up in his bed in the morning.

‘I thought you were meant to be getting over Ben Mitchell?’ Rainie asked him when he came out of his bedroom, looking for his coat. 

‘I am,’ Callum replied. ‘We’re just friends.’

Stuart scoffed. ‘But you’re going on a date with him?’

‘It’s not a date. It’s just drinks at the Albert.’

‘With your ex-boyfriend.’

‘With my friend,’ Callum emphasised. ‘And it’s not just him. Jay and Lola are going too.’

‘Oh lovely,’ Rainie said. ‘A nice, cozy double date then.’

‘It’s not a date.’

‘Of course not,’ Stuart replied as Callum pulled on his jacket. ‘Is that a new shirt you’ve got on?’

‘Shut up, Stuart,’ Callum retorted and grabbed his keys on his way out of the door. 

They’d been doing well, him and Ben. Ever since the night when Ben had turned up on his doorstep and admitted the truth about Keanu to him, there had been a tentative friendship building between them. It had started gradually, with Callum feeling an inescapable need to check up on Ben and make sure he was ok; eating properly; getting enough sleep. Then as the weeks went by and it seemed like Ben was managing to hold himself together, it seemed natural to fall into a routine of having a pint together in the Vic after work, maybe a bite to eat in the cafe at lunchtime, always in public, always careful to keep to neutral topics of conversation. 

It wasn’t easy of course, and everyone was telling him he was an idiot for trying to make it work - Stuart and Mick both thought he should just cut ties once and for all; Rainie was still talking about signing him up for Grindr. Even Whitney had her two penn’orth until Callum pointed out the irony of her telling him he shouldn’t be friends with his ex. The fact of the matter was, Callum wanted Ben in his life and he would take whatever Ben was offering. 

***

The Albert was crowded, but Lola and Ben managed to grab them a table on the corner while Callum and Jay went to the bar for drinks. 

The guy working behind the bar wasn’t someone Callum had seen before. He was tall with dark hair that fell forwards, framing his blue eyes attractively. He was good looking, Callum couldn’t help but notice. His black t-shirt showed off nicely toned arms...

‘Alright mate,’ Jay said when he noticed Callum watching the barman. ‘You should talk to him.’

‘Nah,’ Callum replied. ‘He might not even be gay. And even if he is he ain’t gonna be interested in me is he?’

‘Don’t be so hard on yourself,’ Jay told him. ‘You’re a good looking bloke. What have you got to lose?’

Callum thought about Ben and the way things were between them; friendship was all Ben wanted. He’d made it more than clear that any torch Callum was still holding for him was in vain, that they were never getting back together. Callum couldn’t keep waiting for something that was never going to happen, could he? He looked at the barman again. Jay was right, what did he have to lose?

The barman turned out to be called Jack, he introduced himself while he prepared their drinks and when they were ready, Jay took his, Ben’s and Lola’s back to the table and left Callum to his own devices. 

‘Have you worked here long?’ Callum asked him. 

‘No. I started last weekend,’ Jack replied. 

‘Thought I hadn’t seen you before.’

‘You come in here often?’ 

‘Yeah,’ Callum shrugged. ‘A bit. I’m local so...’

He noticed the way Jack’s eyes scanned up and down his body while he was talking. Callum felt himself beginning to blush. 

‘You should come by tomorrow night,’ Jack said. 

‘Why’s that?’ 

‘Well I’m not working tomorrow so we could have a drink.’

‘Yeah?’

‘Yeah,’ Jack confirmed and then he took a napkin from behind the bar and scribbled a phone number on it. ‘Text me, yeah?’

‘Yeah alright,’ Callum said, taking the number and pocketing it. ‘I should get back to my friends.’

‘I’ll see you later then.’

Callum smiled at him and turned to walk back over to the table. When he got there he couldn’t fail to notice that Ben’s face was like thunder. 

‘What’s up with you?’ he asked and Ben just stared at him for a moment before getting up and walking away. 

‘Ben!’ Callum called after him. 

‘Leave it Cal,’ Jay said standing up. ‘I’ll go talk to him.’

Jay walked off, following after Ben. 

‘What’s that about?’ Callum asked Lola. 

‘He saw you chatting to the barman,’ Lola told him. ‘He wasn’t happy.’

‘What?’ Callum frowned. 

‘He’s jealous.’

‘For God’s sake,’ Callum exclaimed, exasperatedly. ‘Why? He’s the one who finished things. He’s the one who keeps telling me to get over him. He’s going out sleeping with other people. What fucking right does he have to be jealous?’

Lola shook her head. ‘I don’t know, Cal. I really don’t know what’s going on in his head anymore.’

Callum sighed; took a swig from his beer bottle. ‘I need to talk to him.’

‘If I was you, I’d leave it to Jay.’

Callum knew she was right, he shouldn’t get involved, but Jay didn’t know everything that had been going on with Ben lately. He stood up and walked across the room, spotting Ben and Jay talking at the far side of the bar. He approached and the two men, turned when they spotted him. 

‘Give us a minute will you?’ Callum said to Jay, who looked from him to Ben before shaking his head and walking back to Lola. 

‘What’s got into you?’ Callum asked, not unkindly. 

‘I’m sorry alright?’ Ben said. ‘I just saw you flirting with that guy and...’

‘I wasn’t flirting,’ Callum replied. ‘And you do know you have no right to be jealous don’t you?’ 

‘I know.’

‘Because I see you on that app every fucking day Ben. I ain’t blind.’ 

‘Yeah.’

‘So what? You don’t want me anymore but no one else can have me either?’

‘It was never about not wanting you, Cal.’

Callum looked at Ben, his face was so open and earnest. Ben licked his lips. Callum’s eyes were drawn to the movement. 

‘I’ve never not wanted you,’ Ben said. 

‘Really?’ 

Ben nodded. 

Callum swallowed hard and looked away. ‘Look, just come back and have a drink with us, yeah? We’re mates aren’t we?’

‘Yeah,’ Ben replied. ‘Course we are.’

The rest of the evening passed smoothly. Lola dragged them all up to dance at one point, but Callum and Jay quickly gave up, leaving her and Ben to it. 

Callum watched from the sidelines as Ben let loose. He was an amazing dancer. Callum had seen hints of it before, when he’d dance with Lexi, but this was different. Callum watched as he moved with Lola, gyrating his hips in time with the music. It was sexy. Callum couldn’t deny it. He didn’t want to deny it. Ben was the sexiest man he’d ever laid eyes on. 

He was absolutely fucking screwed. 

***

‘I feel like I’m 18 again,’ Callum said as he downed the shot - blue liquid in a test tube - it tasted disgusting. 

‘Live a little,’ Ben replied. Ordering four more and passing them around. 

‘I don’t feel very well,’ Lola said. 

‘Oh fuck. Don’t throw up on me,’ Ben said, moving away from her and as a result, moving closer to Callum. 

Jay looked at his girlfriend and sighed. ‘I think it’s time we were going,’ he said. 

‘Yeah?’ Callum replied. ‘You’ll be alright getting her home, yeah?’

‘Yeah no worries,’ Jay confirmed, helping Lola put on her coat and checking she had her bag, keys and phone. 

When they said goodbye, Callum looked at Ben who was sitting back down at the table and said, ‘I should probably go too.’

‘No,’ Ben said. ‘Stay. Please. Just have another drink with me?’

Callum hesitated for a moment before nodding. ‘Alright. Just one more drink.’

***

‘I think your barman’s giving me evil looks,’ Ben said. It was nearing 1:30am. Jay and Lola had left an hour previously. 

‘He’s not my barman.’

‘He could be though,’ Ben said, leaning closer and squeezing Callum’s thigh, his hand had been resting there for the last 30 minutes or so, ever since one more drink turned into two. 

‘Maybe I don’t want him to be,’ Callum said. It was the alcohol talking but he didn’t care. In Vino Veritas, he supposed. 

Ben’s eyes, met his. The alcohol was making Callum feel fuzzy and warm. Ben’s hand was still on his thigh. 

‘You don’t know how sexy you are do you?’ Ben asked and then he dipped his head. ‘Sorry.’

‘Stop apologising,’ Callum said. ‘I don’t want your apologies anymore.’

Ben nodded. ‘I can’t give you what you want though, Cal.’

‘I just want you,’ Callum said and then he leaned in and kissed him. 

Kissing Ben made Callum feel like he was breathing after being so long without oxygen. Ben immediately responded and brought his hands up to tangle in Callum’s hair. Callum reached for Ben’s shirt, pulling him closer. It was a desperate kiss, all tongues and teeth, but it was perfect. It was everything Callum had been craving for the last few months that they’d been apart. 

‘Oh fuck, Cal.’ Ben sighed when they parted, pressing their foreheads together. 

‘Do you want to get out of here?’ Callum asked. 

‘Yes,’ Ben replied. ‘Your place or mine?’

Callum hesitated. He thought of Stuart and Rainie back at the flat. He really wasn’t up for explaining this to them right now. He barely understood it himself. ‘Yours,’ he said. ‘If that’s ok.’

‘Yeah,’ Ben said. He stood up and grabbed his jacket, reaching for Callum’s hand as they walked out of the bar. 

***

It had been a long time since Callum had been in Ben’s bed at the Beale house and he’d forgotten how small it was. Ben lay draped over him in a post-orgasmic daze. Callum’s fingers running up and down his back. 

‘I should go,’ Callum said, softly. 

‘No,’ Ben said, squeezing his arm. ‘Stay.’

Callum sighed. He shouldn’t, but it was so easy - too easy - to stay; to fall asleep in Ben’s bed; to wake up in his arms...

‘Alright.’

He reached for his phone and made sure to set an alarm before placing it on the bedside table. He needed to make sure he was gone before Lexi woke up in the morning.


	4. If You’re Under Him, You Ain’t Getting Over Him

‘You know you ain’t gonna over him like this don’t you?’ Whitney said as she poured herself another glass of wine, topping Callum’s glass up at the same time. 

‘I know,’ Callum replied. ‘I know I’m an idiot but I just can’t stop myself.’

‘He’s having his cake and eating it, Callum.’

Callum sighed. ‘It ain’t like that.’

‘Sure it isn’t. He’s got you ready and waiting at the click of a finger but he’s also free to sleep with whatever piece of trash he finds on Grindr. He’s using you.’

‘I know he cares about me, Whit.’

‘If you say so.’

‘He does.’

‘Just not enough to actually be with you properly.’

Callum just looked down at the wine glass cradled in his hands. He didn’t answer her. 

***

After that night when they went to the Albert Callum had crept out of Ben’s house early that morning adamant he was never going to sleep with Ben Mitchell again. He’d walked home, taken a shower and crawled into his own bed, ignoring the beeping of his phone. He hadn’t wanted to talk to anyone, especially Ben. 

He’d made it two whole days, ignoring Ben’s texts and calls, before he saw him again. Callum was in the Vic, having a drink at the bar and talking to Mick when Ben walked in, same smug grin on his face and sidled up next to Callum at the bar. 

‘You’ve been avoiding me.’

‘No I haven’t.’

‘Something must be up with your phone then because I’ve sent you loads of messages.’

Callum shrugged. ‘That must be it.’

‘What’s wrong?’ Ben asked. ‘Is this about the other night?’

Callum turned to look at him. ‘What do you think?’

‘What’s the matter? It was fun wasn’t it?’ Ben replied. ‘You kissed me first if I remember rightly.’

‘That’s not the point, Ben.’

Ben’s expression softened, he reached out and placed his hand over Callum’s. ‘Look, we were both drunk weren’t we? It was good - great even - but it was a mistake, wasn’t it?’ 

Callum hesitated for a moment before nodding his agreement.

‘Right, let’s just forget about it, yeah? I don’t want us to fall out over it.’

‘Alright,’ Callum replied. 

***

‘Look, I’m never going to be Ben Mitchell’s biggest fan,’ Whitney said honestly. ‘But if he was treating you right I would be happy for you.’

‘We aren’t together though, Whit. I knew what I was getting into.’ Callum replied. ‘He doesn’t want a relationship he’s made that more than clear.’

‘So your happy being some friends with benefits type thing?’

Callum sighed. ‘It’s all he’s offering.’

‘I don’t get how he’s got this hold over you,’ Whitney replied. ‘Is the sex really that good?’

Callum raised an eyebrow. ‘Do you really want me to answer that?’

‘No,’ Whitney said. ‘I definitely don’t want the details.’

***

The thing was, the sex was amazing. The sex had always been amazing, and right from the first time in the park when Ben had quite literally blown his mind, Callum had craved Ben’s touch. It was like Ben was a magnet pulling him back time and again and so it was that despite Callum’s resolution never to let it happen again, less than a week later, he found himself again back in Ben’s bed. 

He’d gone to the car lot looking for Jay and instead he’d found Ben, looking through Grindr instead of working. When Callum saw the app open on his phone screen, he was filled with a sudden burst of irrational anger. He hated it. He hated that fucking app so much. He wanted to grab Ben’s phone, throw it against the wall and watch it smash into a million pieces. 

‘Why are you on that thing?’ Callum asked him. ‘Why do you need it?’

Ben shrugged. ‘Just a bit of fun isn’t it?’ he said. 

‘But you’ve got me,’ Callum said. ‘Don’t you get that, Ben? I’m right here.’

‘Cal... it’s not like that... it’s just sex. It’s fun that’s all.’

‘Just fun is it?’ Callum replied. ‘Well, if it’s so much fun maybe I should get myself on it.’

‘What?’

‘Grindr. I’m clearly missing out on all this fun you keep having. Maybe I’ll sign myself up.’

‘No.’ Ben’s expression turned into a scowl. His gaze hardened.

‘No?’ Callum replied. ‘What, you don’t want me to? Why’s that Ben? Why should I miss out if it’s so much fun?’

‘I thought you didn’t do casual sex?’

‘People change don’t they? How do I know if I’ve never tried it?’

Ben stood up and walked purposefully towards Callum, biting his lip as he moved closer. Then they were kissing. Ben pushing Callum up against the wall.

‘You’re not using it,’ Ben said through gritted teeth when they broke apart. ‘You’re not.’ 

Then they were kissing again, Ben sliding his hands up Callum’s shirt, feeling the smooth skin beneath. 

‘Ben,’ Callum said pushing him away gently. ‘Ben stop.’

‘What’s wrong?’ Ben asked, pulling back. 

‘Not here.’

Ben swallowed hard and looked around, nodding. ‘Alright. Come back to mine.’

*** 

‘You know they say the best way to get over someone is to get under someone else,’ Whitney said. 

‘I’m not sure that’s strictly true,’ Callum replied. 

‘Well it worked for me,’ Whitney shrugged. ‘I mean - he then turned out to be a crazy stalker but at the time, it was exactly what I needed.’

‘So you’re saying I should just find my own crazy stalker to sleep with?’ Callum asked. 

‘Well I mean the crazy stalking part is optional, but...’

‘I can’t do casual sex, Whit. It has to mean something.’

‘Ben’s right you know,’ Whitney said quietly. ‘You are too good for him.’

‘Maybe,’ Callum replied. ‘But I’m in love him.’

‘I know you are,’ Whitney replied. ‘And that is why you can’t stop doing what you’re doing.’

***

They were lying in Ben’s bed, kissing softly. Ben was stroking Callum’s face with his finger tips, when Callum pulled back and looked into Ben’s eyes. 

‘What are we doing, Ben?’ Callum asked, there was no accusation in his voice. 

‘Honestly, I have no idea.’ 

Callum had been expecting Ben to make a jokey reply but when he answered seriously, he just sounded tired. 

‘Are you telling me that meeting someone on Grindr is better than this?’ Callum asked him. 

Ben closed his eyes and shook his head. ‘No. Of course it ain’t.’

‘So why?’ There were so many layers to that question, Callum realised. ‘Why won’t you just be with me? I know everything. I’ve accepted it. Why can’t you just come back to me?’

‘Because I’m not a good guy, Callum.’

‘I know you’ve done bad things, Ben but you’re not a bad person.’

Ben shook his head again. ‘If I was a good guy I’d let you go. I wouldn’t keep calling you; I wouldn’t keep trying to be friends. I definitely wouldn’t keep sleeping with you. I’d get over you and let you find someone else to love, but I can’t, because I’m not a good guy. So I keep doing this even though I know it’s hurting you.’

‘It’s hurting us both.’

‘I deserve to hurt. You don’t.’

Callum closed his eyes and pressed his forehead against Ben’s. ‘We can’t keep doing this,’ he said softly. ‘I can’t cope anymore, Ben.’

‘I know,’ Ben replied. 

‘I need you to let me get over you.’

Ben sucked in a deep breath. His eyes filled with tears. ‘I’ll try,’ he replied. ‘I promise, I’ll try.’


End file.
